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I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me. I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding you love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again. God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, we will understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.
-Don Miller
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On Sunday, my pastor spoke to the church about living prospectively. While the initial comparison was to remind us to number our days and to "live ready" for when Jesus comes rather than living for the here and now, I feel this idea should be applied to all aspects of life. He told us that in order to live prospectively, we must view our lives perspectively. In the eternal perspective, we need to remind ourselves that regardless of what happens in this life, if we are His children, there is something bigger going on. We need to keep that big picture in mind.
My pastor shared that to do this, we need to live ready. He said, "we live ready when we daily follow Christ." By applying this idea to every aspect of our life, we are living ready. By preparing ourselves for the "smaller" things in life, we are preparing ourselves for the bigger picture. "Our choices in life," he told us, "can have huge ramifications. Both here and after this life." If, for example, we choose to party rather than focus on grades all throughout high school, we may have trouble getting into college, which could very well affect our entire future. In the eternal perspective, if we choose to deny Christ, we will be denied the privilege to spend eternity with him. Our whole life is composed of small doses of perspective that piece together to form the larger picture.
Yesterday was Valentine's Day. So naturally, when I was hearing all this on Sunday, my mind jumped to the relational aspect of life. Particularly marriage.
Obviously, I am not married. But that does not exclude me from this category, especially since I hope to be a wife in the future. However, if I want to be a good wife, I need to start getting ready, (rather, "living ready") now. In the past, I put WAY too much time and effort into relationships that, obviously, didn't last. Those efforts left a lot of heartache, a lot of scars, and a lot of regret. While those are things that have shaped me into the person I am today, I do not look forward to the day I will have to explain it all to my husband. I do not look forward to the heartache it will undoubtedly cause him to hear about it.
But, what's done is done. Dwelling on the past is not going to change things any more than looking at a clock will make it move faster. Although it's a hard thing for me to wrap my tiny mind around, God has forgiven me and loves me regardless of my mistakes. My prayer is that my husband will, too.
While I can't change the way I've acted in the past, that shouldn't have an affect on the way I act now. I may not know the man God has in store for me, but I do know that as the man God has in store for me, he is incredible. Already, he makes me want to be a better woman. He makes me want to press forward, despite my past, and become the woman he needs. He makes me want to live a life that honors my Father, not only because it's what is right, but because it is a way of showing my devotion to him. It is a way to say, "I know that I've screwed up, but I'm gonna do this right. I'm gonna show you I love you."
But, what's done is done. Dwelling on the past is not going to change things any more than looking at a clock will make it move faster. Although it's a hard thing for me to wrap my tiny mind around, God has forgiven me and loves me regardless of my mistakes. My prayer is that my husband will, too.
While I can't change the way I've acted in the past, that shouldn't have an affect on the way I act now. I may not know the man God has in store for me, but I do know that as the man God has in store for me, he is incredible. Already, he makes me want to be a better woman. He makes me want to press forward, despite my past, and become the woman he needs. He makes me want to live a life that honors my Father, not only because it's what is right, but because it is a way of showing my devotion to him. It is a way to say, "I know that I've screwed up, but I'm gonna do this right. I'm gonna show you I love you."
This is something that should be practiced by both single and married women alike. On the single side, by veiwing and living our lives with the perspective that one day we will belong to someone, we are being prepared to be the kind of wives that our husbands will deserve. We are waiting it out, saving ourselves, and learning to become the kind of person they need.
For all the ladies who already belong to someone, this is still something your husband needs. You still need to show him you love him, you still need to show your devotion. This practice applies to both men and women alike. We both need to prepare ourselves, and when the time comes for us to become wives or husbands, this practice becomes a joint effort.
In addition to our efforts to prepare ourselves, we must not forget the power of prayer. I know, it seems crazy enough mumbling to an invisible man..but, mumbling to an invisible man about another man that you may not even know? (Unless you're married, of course.) Regarless of the seeming insanity of it all, that man that you're going to spend your life with needs your prayer. God knows who he is and that's all that matters. God knows the trials and temptations he is facing, God knows what is going on in his heart. Even though you don't, you can still pray that God will give guidance, make Himself real, and give that man the strength and determination he needs to become the kind of man that God intended him to be. As ridiculous as it may seem, the power of prayer is incredible. So continually pray for that man, pray that God guides his steps and guards his heart and mind. Wives, do the same. Your husband needs it just as much as my future husband does.
A long while back, my best friend showed me the prayer that I posted at the beginning of this blog (it comes from Miller's book, "Blue Like Jazz," which has been continually blowing my mind within the past week). When I first heard this prayer, something about it really struck me. It was powerful.
It is a prayer that humbles you, teaches you, and causes your love for God and your spouse/potential spouse to override your own selfish desires; a prayer that reminds you not only to pray for that person's growth, but for your growth as well.
Not only is it a prayer, but it is a promise.
It is a promise to live prospectively, a promise to prepare yourself, or if you are married, a promise to continue to strive to be the kind of husband or wife that your spouse needs. It is a promise that reminds you of the bigger picture.
Thus, with all this Valentines talk of love and romance going around, this letter below is my own prayer for my unknown Valentine. Although I don't ever have a problem with expressing my thoughts, I'm not one to just lay out what's on my heart. So it's a bit intimidating laying this out for the world to see. But in addition to this being my feelings and opinions in regard to the romantic holiday, this is a means of holding myself accountable. I know my convictions, but now you do as well. So if you haven't already been scared off by the "soppiness" of it all (as my friend, Rachel, would call it), please use this as a means of holding me to my word. I want to become a better person. I want to prepare myself. I want to live my life prospectively, in all aspects. But none of us can do this alone.
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My beloved,
You are worth more than you could imagine, far more than you could imagine. God is not finished with you, nor is he finished with me. The beginning is yet to come. Until that time, I will strive to live prospectively. I will continue to pray Miller's prayer, I will continue to pray for your heart, I will continue to pray that God leads you to to become the man that you are meant to be. While doing so, I will prepare myself to become the woman you will need. I am sorry I have not always done so, and I am sorry for the pain I know I will cause you because of it. But I will press forward and follow His leading. One day, it will lead me to you. Until then, I will wait, learn, and grow in Him. Though you may not know it yet, I love you. I always will.
I am yours.
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