I am not going to say that this has been a terrible year. I refuse to think of it that way. There's no denying that it has been incredibly difficult, but it has not been terrible. I have made mistakes, broken trust, lost close friends, and hurt people I love dearly. But I have also learned some incredible lessons. I have begun to learn what it is to love others like Jesus, what it means to be a faithful friend, what it takes to become the woman God wants me to be.
If there is one thing I have learned from this blur of a year, it is that life is a constant struggle between what I want and what He wants. When I begin to do things my way, He breaks me. Not because He enjoys seeing me hurt, but because He loves me too much to let me do it my way. He sees the big picture. I do not. Occasionally, I get arrogant and begin to think that I can see the big picture on my own. And naturally, He breaks me. He lovingly puts me where I belong and says, "Courtney, just trust me."
So in this upcoming year, that is what I will try harder to do. It is a terrifying thing for me to do, but I know I cannot do this on my own...as much as I would like to believe otherwise. Being an independent person, I like to do everything on my own. Sometimes, that is a good thing. But when it comes to my choices, my character, or my future, I cannot let myself believe it can be shaped independently. I need Him to guide me through this mess.
Though sometimes necessary, struggling through this mess is never a pleasant ordeal. In a very early episode of LOST, John Locke told Charlie that "struggle is nature's way of strengthening us." It breaks us, humbles us, and then slowly makes us better people. If there is something I have learned from my struggles this year, it is that I am a foolish, naive child. I think I know what I'm doing, but God tells me otherwise. I try to do things my own way, in my own time, but God has other plans for me. He's not finished with me yet.
I have learned that I do not have to constantly fight with Him to get what I want. Granted, He wants to know my heart and the things that I hold dear. He wants me to lift my requests to Him, but I have to keep in mind that God is not a genie. He loves me and cares for the things that mean a lot to me, but when I turn my focus from my own desires to Him, my desires slowly become in line with His. Suddenly, I am not struggling between what I want and what He wants; I am walking beside Him, holding His hand, and heading towards the goal He has planned for me.
A new year is upon us, and though I'm not huge on the whole "New Years Resolution" thing, one thing I resolve to work towards is placing my trust in Him. I don't expect to fully grasp my goal, as it is a life-long process, but I believe it is something we should all keep in mind. It is so easy to fall into the mindset that we can do life on our own. We have to constantly remind ourselves that we are His, and we need Him to do this thing right.
This year, I am going to work harder to keep my desires in line with His...and along the way, become the woman He wants me to be.